“Ask Dr. Bukky” is ELIXHER’s advice column that offers guidance to queer women of color on relationships and mental health wellness. Got a question you want Dr. Bukky to tackle in the column? Email her at drbukkyk@gmail.com.
Dear Dr. Bukky,
My partner recently cheated on me and I am very confused about what to do now. I’ve always believed that once a person cheats, she will always cheat but I want to forgive her and give our relationship another chance because I love her so much. Am I being stupid or naive?
-Ambivalent Heart
Dear Ambivalent Heart,
Wanting to forgive your partner and improve your relationship is anything but naïve—it is the longing of a woman who values her relationship and what she has invested in it. It is an attempt to minimize your loss and pain, and maintain a sense of stability in the face of a very destabilizing event—who can blame you? Hoping forgiveness and love will triumph in the face of infidelity is not inherently naïve; it is the way you go about restoring your relationship that will ultimately reveal whether or not it is a wise choice.
Clinicians and researchers traditionally understand infidelity as the result of one of two things: 1) the unfaithful partner’s attempt to fulfill needs to feel important and loved (i.e., universal basic attachment needs) or 2) attempts to avoid the painful feelings associated with not feeling important and loved. Regardless of which rings true for your partner, what is now apparent is that there have been things happening (implicitly or explicitly) in the relationship that have been eating away at your partner’s sense of safety and security. Rather than telling you how bad, hurt or scared she felt, she engaged in behaviors that led to more pain for you, herself and therefore the relationship.
The saying “once a cheater, always a cheater” is supposed to be a helpful reminder to pay attention to the patterns that are present in a person’s history of relationships. The problem with that specific saying is that it assumes infidelity is caused by a character flaw that is unchangeable. This is not true. While there is a higher likelihood that individuals who do not pay attention to their emotional experiences or do not feel able to express distress directly in an intimate relationship are more likely to cheat, these are not permanent character traits. They can be changed.
All this to say, your partner has made a terrible mistake by searching for safety and security outside of your relationship, and your willingness to forgive her is remarkable. It is not inherently weak, naive or desperate. The more important question now is whether you are both willing to put in the hard work that will be required for both of you to heal your relationship as well as find safety and security with each other. This means committing to a lot more talking and listening than you have collectively been doing. I share your hope that saving your relationship is possible, if you and your partner are willing to put forth the effort to change your current pattern of relating to each other. If this is your goal, then now is an incredibly critical time for you and your partner to consider engaging a therapist in your area.
Wishing you all the best,
Dr. Bukky
Dr. Bukky Kolawole is a NY-based licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in helping lesbian and gay couples cultivate the healthy and fulfilling relationships they deserve. She has offices in SoHo (Manhattan) and Park Slope (Brooklyn) and offers late evening hours to accommodate the needs of professionals. For more info about Dr. Bukky, visit her website at www.drbukkyk.com.
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