• ELIXHER
• On March 20, 2012

“Ask Dr. Bukky” is ELIXHER’s new bi-weekly column that offers advice to queer women of color on relationships and mental health wellness. Got a question you want Dr. Bukky to tackle in the column? Email her at drbukkyk@gmail.com.

Dear Dr. Bukky,

My family adores my partner. Her family, on the other hand, isn’t as accepting of our relationship. I can’t help but take it personally even though I know it probably has nothing to do with me. How can I help (read: hurry!) them along their journey of acceptance?

Sincerely,
Desperate Partner

Dear Desperate Partner,

Let me start by acknowledging how difficult it must feel to be in both you and your partner’s shoes. Your ability to recognize that your partner’s family stance is more about their “journey” than about you is a remarkable strength of yours. Because we all inherently want to feel loved and accepted, when we or our relationship are rejected by anyone-especially by people we deem important-it elicits different (and often painful) feelings, which can be hard to tolerate. Given that, it is totally understandable that you would want to do anything you can to speed things along.

With that said, as you probably already suspected, there is not much you can do to accelerate their process other than continuing to be your fabulous self. If their rejection of you is about their homophobia/homo-negativity (aka bias), you will be glad to know that research shows that simple exposure is the antidote to bias. Essentially, the more they know you (assuming you are an average likable person treating their daughter well), the harder it is for them to dislike you or reject you and your partner’s relationship.

As humans, it is easier for us to dislike or fear (and therefore reject) what we don’t know. This process is facilitated by two main psychological processes: habituation and cognitive dissonance. When we expose ourselves to something we are fearful of for a sustained period of time, we ultimately habituate or get used to the anxiety (or other feeling) it produces and we often discover that whatever catastrophe we expected does not, in fact, occur. In the context of bias, when we find that our stereotype or the basis of our dislike is not confirmed, cognitive dissonance (i.e., an intense feeling of discomfort that comes with having two conflicting thoughts/beliefs) occurs, forcing us to resolve the dilemma, which we typically do by either disconfirming and letting go of our stereotype or by creating a rule of exception.

So for example, let’s say your partner’s parents think same-sex relationships are inherently bad and a sign of mental health problems. The more they have contact with you and your partner and see that you guys are quite happy, good to each other, and act quite “normal,” painful cognitive dissonance occurs because what they are witnessing does not fit their prediction or assumption. So they’ll either have to let go of their original belief and say “same-sex relationships are not necessarily bad or a sign of mental health problems” or modify their belief in a way that works for them by creating an exception rule, e.g., “my daughter’s relationship is different from others and not necessarily bad or a sign of mental health problems but all other same sex-relationships are bad”).

Recognizing that I do not have the details about your specific situation, here are some general principles and concrete tips that you might find helpful. Caution: this will mean actively choosing to tolerate a lot of uncomfortable and hard (and painful) feelings as it means exposing yourself to the feelings that come with being rejected.

1) Don’t avoid them. Make it hard for them to avoid you. Avoidance is a powerful coping tool that ends up actually maintaining problems rather than addressing them. The more you, your partner, or her family use avoidance, the more prolonged the process becomes. I’m not suggesting that you become forceful, but just make it a little harder for them to keep blowing you guys off. For example, if they schedule a visit but something comes up that causes them to cancel, reschedule another visit right away and offer to go to them rather than having them come to you. Essentially you want to convey to them that you guys are not going away.

2) Encourage your partner to find ways to talk about you and the relationship whenever she has contact with them. The more they hear about and know you, the harder it is for them to hang on to their bias toward you and the relationship. By talking about you, your partner humanizes you to her parents and makes it harder for them to see you as an issue or a symbol of something they do not like. In essence, you become a living, breathing person with feelings just like them.

3) Seek them out and find ways to begin a relationship with them. So when you are at any events where they might be, find them, sit next to them, smile at them, talk to them. Share things about yourself and show curiosity about them. Essentially, help them see who you are—the more they know you and have emotion-laden experiences with you, the harder it is for them to hang on to their bias toward you and your relationship.

4) When you and your partner have events, invite them. Who hates someone who is continuously seeking you out or expressing interest in being with you? A part of all of us feels good to be desired. Even if they keep saying no, keep asking. Worst case scenario, they feel desired by you— it’s money in the bank for you. Best case scenario, they actually show up and create and opportunity for face contact. As I’ve stated above, the more they know you, the harder it is for them to hang on to their bias toward you and the relationship. You ultimately get even more bang for your buck when other likeable same-sex couples are also at your event, as it begins to challenge the exception rule they might have created to maintain their bias against same-sex relationships.

5) Discover their love styles and find ways to express love to them on a consistent basis in a way that is fitting to their specific love style. The key here is showing love the way they like to receive love, NOT the way you like to give or receive love. For example, if your partner’s mom values words of encouragement, send her a card filled with affirmations and words of encouragement, which can be as simple as “Janice and I were thinking about you and want you to know that …”. If acts of service are meaningful to her dad, do something for him. Show up and run an errand for him so he doesn’t have to do it. If her brother likes receiving gifts, during your next trip, get him something that you think would be meaningful to him.

Most of all, I want to encourage you to keep remembering that regardless of what you do, their process is their process. As things play out, I imagine you will keep re-discovering that what you have control over in this process is yourself, i.e., the way you behave and think. Being your most authentic self, showing that self to them, and finding ways to show them compassion and empathy are sometimes all we can do. While doing any or all of the above might create opportunities for exposure, unfortunately, no specific outcome can be guaranteed. I encourage you to constantly find ways to be present in your collective journey and to take in the good and bad of the process. Often times, the beauty lies in the process and not in the destination (or the outcome). I wish you all the best.

Dr. Bukky Kolawole is a NY-based licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in helping lesbian and gay couples cultivate the healthy and fulfilling relationships they deserve. She has offices in SoHo (Manhattan) and Park Slope (Brooklyn) and offers late evening hours to accommodate the needs of professionals. For more info about Dr. Bukky, visit her website at www.drbukkyk.com.