If you don’t live in a queer Mecca or seep gay out of your pores, meeting Ms. Right (or Ms. Right Now) might seem daunting if not impossible. Chances are you have no clue where to meet other lesbian and bisexual women. Even if you do, you might not know how to approach her. But meeting that special lady can be fun if you keep your mind and options open. Here’s how!

How to Spot Her…

…In Public

You’re on the train on your way to work and a beautiful woman catches your eye. Is she into women or straight, you wonder. Your gaydar doesn’t sound off. So you look for “clues.” Does she have any piercings? Tattoos? Are her nails long or short? How is she wearing her hair? Is she rocking rainbow paraphernalia?

Of course, even if she had her septum pierced, a shaved head, a sleeve tattoo and combat boots, that’d be no surefire sign that she’s queer. But it should make you a little more at ease about making eye contact. Even if she isn’t queer’d out, simply smiling is completely innocent and unassuming. Her response will be an indicator of your next step.

If she freaks out, looks uncomfortable, and keeps her head turned the other way for the rest of the ride, she’s either a New Yorker or straight. If she smiles back, she’s either super-friendly or super-gay.

…Online

Online dating is becoming increasingly common as dating sites offer lots of potential for relationships and casual hookups. They also give you access to a pool of women you might not otherwise have at your fingertips. Literally.

Use an original name that says something about your interests or personality. Opt for one that’s a bit clever. If your username sounds like you’ve been using it since you were 14, then ditch it. (Sorry, Sexifemme82.)

Be honest and try to give people a sense of who you are…but don’t take it too seriously. Have fun with it! And cast a wide net. If you see someone who catches your eye but is a few years older or a few inches shorter than what you’d typically date, send her a note anyway.

Don’t get upset if someone that you “wink” at doesn’t respond. “Internet dating is a numbers game, so don’t fixate on one person,” says Jincey Lumpkin, founder of Juicy Pink Box, in her HuffPo column. “Contact lots of people. Keep the interactions going.”

If you’re just looking to hook up, let the person know that you’re not looking for anything serious. Also, assume that everyone you are dating is simultaneously dating other people. “Don’t get your panties in a wad if you find out that they have a date the night after yours,” Jincey Lumpkin adds. “You could be scheduling multiple dates yourself — in fact, you should be.”

…Through Mutual Friends

“I usually meet the women I date through mutual friends mainly because I’m not big on approaching women,” says Stephanie, a 26-year-old chief of staff in Houston. “They’ll approach me or we’ll simply end up in a side conversation that stemmed from the group.”

If you’re anything like Stephanie or if you’re simply open to another way of meeting women, host get-togethers at your place or coordinate a Sunday brunch at a local spot. Then invite your close queer friends and have them invite theirs.

You can also plant a bug in your family members, friends and co-workers’ ears letting them know that you’re single and ready to tingle…I mean, mingle. Be open to their suggestions even if it doesn’t seem like an obvious match. If you’re feeling adventurous, put them to task. Have a handful of people set you up on a blind date in the next month or so. It’ll be an exciting challenge for them and hopefully a treat for you.

Approaching Her…

Whether you’ve spotted her at the grocery store, a bar or a block party, after you’ve mustered up enough confidence to smile, your next move is to say hi and start a conversation. Pay her a compliment. Ask her about the book she’s reading or the song she’s listening to. No woman is the same. No approach will be exactly alike.

“I meet most of the women I date in a social setting like a bar,” says a 23-year-old marketing coordinator based in New York. “I spark a conversation and see what happens from there.”

The combination of what’s being said verbally and non-verbally is important; so pay attention to her body language.

If she gets more excited about the book you asked her about than you, then keep it moving. If she reciprocates and asks you questions in return, she’s interested.

But just because she’s interested in talking to you or what you have to say, doesn’t mean she’s interested in women. Here’s where body language comes into play. Is she leaned in towards you? Has she made any physical contact? Does her handshake linger? What’s her eye contact like? Finding the right medium between reading a woman and not reading too much into things is the key.

Once you’ve mastered this balancing act, you won’t have to think twice about asking for her digits. (After you’ve done it a few times, the sweaty palms and nervous twitching go away.) If you’re still unsure about taking the plunge, mention something lesbian- or bi-related and connect it to the topic you’re discussing-a queer cabaret, if you’re talking about the performing arts; a new lesbian movie, if she mentions an interest in filmmaking. If she’s familiar with it or her ears perk up, casually say you’d love to exchange information if that’s alright with her. If she says no, smile, say you understand and tell her to have a nice day. If she agrees and gives you her info, remember to keep breathing.

At the end of the day, regardless of where and how you meet women, the real challenge is being willing to take chances and to put yourself out there. When you realize and truly believe you’re the great catch that you are, you’ll care less about rejection and more about the thrill of the possibilities.

Other good places to meet queer women are:

Open mics
Coffee shops
Activist groups
Concerts
Charity events
Volunteering
The gym
The park

Next on ELIXHER, we look at how to get to know her…stay tuned!

How do you spot and approach women?

Category: Feature