• ELIXHER
• On June 25, 2013

Divorce and breakups are never easy, especially when there are kids involved. Choices have to be made to accommodate the well being of all parties involved. Do the children spend weekends and summers with one parent and the remainder of the year with the other? Do the biological parents decide to stay together for the sake of the children or do they split and design a plan that works equally for both parents? I’ve encountered, more often than not, situations of co-parenting in lesbian relationships. But then where does that leave the non-biological parent? I never fully understood this dynamic until I experienced it myself.

The short of it is, I met a single woman who had a six-month-old beautiful baby girl. We became friends, dated for two years then realized we were better off not being romantically involved. While we were together, her baby girl and I instantly bonded and I became a second parent. I had dated women who had children before her but this time was different.

This time, I was there for some of the most critical development in raising a child. Cognitively, in this child’s eyes, “Tee-Tee” (as she affectionately calls me) was just as prominent in her life as mommy. From first tooth, to first steps, to first words and even first day at school, I was there and to her that was how it was going to be. It was all she knew.

At first, the breakup in regards to my place in the child’s life seemed to work. She would spend weekends with me, we would go on play dates, trips and there would be the occasional platonic dinner between the three of us. Everything went great and we seemed to have great a future ahead until I began to date again.

After explaining the situation to potential partners, I realized that the deeper I got involved with them the more complicated life became with my baby, who I refer to as my step-daughter, her mother and my future involvement with other women. In my mind it was a simple equation: dating me would involve a great deal of understanding that I have a permanent place in the life of a child I did not give birth to. In my potential partners’ mind that would pose a problem.

One, because spending time with my step-daughter would mean spending time with and/or a great deal of communication with her mother, my ex. Then two, as her mother began to date (men) again, once she explained that I was involved in her child’s life she was hit with comments and questions like, “She’s not her father so why are you treating her as such?” From there it got even more complicated when my ex expressed that she would prefer, until I involved myself in a settled/committed relationship, that I not introduce new women into the baby’s life…completely understandable.

What’s more, I was left with many decisions. Limit time with potential partners or time with my step-daughter. Risk a future with someone I was falling in love with or risk losing my place in the life of a child I have helped and continue to help raise. My heart was literally split in two. This child, although I have no biological ties, is a part of me. She breathed life into my once dreary existence. She gave me hope. She gave me a reason to push harder for my dreams, not just for my future, but for hers as well. Quite simply, she gave me a reason to just be.

I was recently poured a dose of reality and was told that maybe I should prepare my life to no longer involve my step-daughter.

“I know you love her but maybe you should just begin to let go,” someone suggested.

But how? This child knows me. She asks for me. She looks for me to be around. She knows me.

- Taryn Wharwood

Taryn Wharwood is a Jacksonville, Florida-based poet, mentor, community organizer, advocate volunteer, and self-described “resident loud mouth.” She also goes by the stage name “Love Reigns.”

*Illustration courtesy of Strong Families.