• ELIXHER
• On July 18, 2013

“That’s why mi nah vote for Obama,” my mother murmured, brows furrowed, her Jamaican patois far from disguising her disdain as we watched Obama on the TV appealing to the public at yet another press conference.

“You didn’t vote for Obama?” I asked, trying to keep the despair out of my voice. “Mom, you’re a woman, you are black, and you’re an immigrant. You are everything Mitt Romney hates.”

“MI NAH VOTE FOR SOMEONE WHO GWAN LET THESE GAYS DO WAH DEM WAN,” she spat back, as if I had insulted her with the thought of having voted for Obama. She, however, had no idea how much she had offended me.

I have been a “closeted gay” from the get-go, when it comes to my family. Aside from my Misandry Manifestos, I never let them in on what became my dirty little secret. And boy, did I feel dirty. I got shame from both sides.

Whenever my family headed out to church, and a (typically white) preacher insisted that someone in the congregation was a raging homo and would die that night for their sins—yes, this was a real sermon with visuals and dramatizations—I felt sick with shame. Furthermore, I felt dirty when I frequented my queer spaces and kept hearing about the glories of coming out.

Am I a bad queer for not revealing my sexual orientation to everyone in the world? I wondered. Am I a coward? No one ever claps for you for staying in the closet. They stare back at you with big eyes that only hold pity.

It’s taken a few years, but I am proud to be in the closet.

HomeGirlSaidWhat?!?!

No you read that correctly, I am proud. So often we are made to feel that it is necessary to be “out,” and that anything less is cowardice. But, often times, it takes strength to stay in. Especially for us queer women of color, we need to make choices in the name of our self-preservation; acknowledging that our needs can take precedence over some form of social martyrdom is radical. Moreover, the closet isn’t always just a temporary hideout. Sometimes it has to serve as a home and it’s okay to pride yourself in your abode.

Let me tell you, my closet is fly as hell! I’ve got pictures of Brittney Griner and Audre Lorde quotes on the walls. I even made room for a mini-fridge stocked with comfort foods like baked mac and cheese, and chocolate cake. I’ve got space for lovers and friends who need a safe house or a sanctuary. But, most importantly, I’ve got so much love for myself and who I am in my closet.

The rarely spoken truth about the closet is that it is not a prison by default. You can have your great queertastic romance without running through the streets head to toe in rainbows while blasting Meshell Ndegeocello. You can look at the beauty and resilience within you without having to expose every bit of yourself to the world. You can be proud, even if the whole world does not know. Being “openly” queer means that you are fiercely you, although it may sometimes get worse before it gets better. You do not owe anyone a coming out speech. The only person you’re obligated to is you.

- Helen McDonald

Helen McDonald is a 20-something college student living off of bad cooking, social justice and a lil snark. She also discusses the intersections of race, gender, and sexuality on her personal blog revolutionaryrainbows.tumblr.com and is a contributing writer at BloodyShrubbery.com.